PTPC Communication

Simply said: A relationship in which Trust is missing is not a fun relationship. Without trust in your marriage you live a life of ill ease and cannot feel safe sharing your emotional, physical and spiritual self with your partner. In most relationships trust is not a concern at the beginning when you make your commitment to your partner. Love overrides all doubts and blind spots you may have, and as such you pass the first stage of your relationship in a blissful state.

Sometimes this bliss goes on forever as your relationship grows and matures, but for a good number this is not the case. Mistrust in its various disguises slowly insinuates itself into your marriage.

Your lack of trust may arise out of an infidelity or a fear of an infidelity. You may begin to realise that you have married an alcoholic or an angry person and cannot trust your safety in their presence. Or the emotional closeness you once thought you shared with your partner has suddenly vanished and you no longer can trust your feelings with this empty shell of a person that has replaced it.

A discussion on trust and its misuse can wander off in many directions. So perhaps the best place to start is at the beginning when your relationship has just formed and you have taken the first steps to live a life together. As we said earlier the joys of initial love usually override any insecurities and doubts that you may be feeling. And this therefore is the best time to secure your partnership against the uncertainties and apprehensions that may begin to seep into your relationship with the passing of time.

Let us look at Four actions you can take to build a foundation based on trust.

Affirm your Values

Values are the beliefs that you hold that determine the actions you take. For a relationship to be able to journey a lifetime together it is pretty important for both partners to share some basic values and to come to some agreement on the ones that they differ in. For example, if one partner holds deep religious views and wants to raise their children within the faith, and the other partner is very much against religion, then this relationship will most likely experience conflict unless a compromise can be reached.

Similarly when it comes to a value such as trust you cannot just assume that you and your partner have the same understanding as to what trust means. Depending on your family upbringing and your life experiences you will have formed your own ideas as to how you perceive trust in a relationship.

Clarity as to what this value means to both of you, and acceptance of a common meaning will enable you to strengthen your relationship and close the door to any ramifications due to mistrust.

Communication

As cliché as this may sound deliberate communication in which you stay focused and respectfully discuss your opinions is one of the cornerstones of all successful relationships. It is during this beginning stage of your relationship that you can establish a communication style free of assumptions and one in which you and your partner listen to what each has to say, confirm your understanding and then respond appropriately.

An open, non judgemental, supportive communication model encourages you and your partner to continuously affirm your values, discuss trust issues and determine actions to buttress your relationship against the perils of mistrust. This ability to communicate honestly is a force that your partnership slowly begins to appreciate as issues, some perhaps relating to trust, emerge in your relationship.

Address the Past

As a rule, it is best to bring your partner up to speed on your past before committing to a relationship based on trust. The fewer secrets you bring to your marriage the less opportunity for the seeds of mistrust to be sown. There may be issues from your past that if carried into the present could be a source of irritation and a springboard for future doubts and relationship instability.

Using effective communication you and your partner can open each piece of baggage you bring with you to your relationship, review the contents and decide what to do with it. This exercise not only reflects an honest ability to share your past, but also a sincere desire to ensure your past does not effect your future together.

If in the past you have been a gambler, a womaniser, a shopaholic, a viewer of pornography, a workaholic and so on,  you and your partner can discuss these behaviours, accept them and then consider the options to address them. It is better to know these facts when you begin your relationship, rather than to hide them and then have these details pop up  shattering the trust you have built up.

Not everything about your past needs to be exposed but if there are any hidden ex husbands, wives or children, their sudden appearance later in your relationship could be devastating. As well if there are certain actions you have taken in the past that you are not happy about you might need to trust your partner and tell them about it. A decision may be made to just bury this information and go forward.

Sometimes you will easily embrace aspects of each other’s past and at other times you may be upset knowing what your partner has done, but information exposed and dealt with can cause less damage than harmful secrets.

Set Boundaries and Guidelines

Once the above three actions have been initiated you are now ready to transfer your knowledge and skills into establishing some boundaries and guidelines that will reinforce the trust you want to carefully nurture in your relationship.

There may be certain behaviours that you find unacceptable as they threaten the intimacy of your relationship. These need to be spelled out, negotiated and then finalised as an agreement between you and your partner. For example you may feel uncomfortable that your partner is receiving txt messages from ex lovers, or you may believe that your partner is going out to dinner too frequently with unknown members of the opposite sex.

If your guidelines stipulate that such behaviour is unacceptable then you and your partner can relax into a relationship in which trust can thrive.

You may also give some thought to drawing up a document outlining the boundaries that you have both agreed on. I know that it might sound a bit practical and unromantic, but if you use a little creativity your document can reflect the care and respect you feel for each other.

There are no guarantees that the love, joy and trust that veils your relationship when you first make your commitments to each other will always be there. But if you begin your relationship in trust and take steps to respect this trust then you and your partner can feel safe and secure to grow and blossom both as individuals and as a couple.

Z. Starak

There are specific things to do that can help improve your communication skills:

1.  Listen, listen, and listen. People want to know that they are being heard. Really listen to what the other person is saying, instead of formulating your response. Ask for clarification to avoid misunderstandings. At that moment, the person speaking to you should be the most important person in your life. Another important point is to have one conversation at a time. This means that if you are speaking to someone on the phone, do not respond to an email, or send a text at the same time. The other person will know that she doesn’t have your undivided attention.

2.  Who you are talking to matters. It is okay to use acronyms and informal language when you are communicating with a buddy, but if you are emailing or texting your boss, “Hey,” “TTYL” or any informal language, has no place in your message. You cannot assume that the other person knows what the acronym means. Some acronyms have different meanings to different people, do you want to be misunderstood? Effective communicators target their message based on who they are speaking to, so try to keep the other person in mind, when you are trying to get your message across.

3.  Body language matters. This is important for face-to-face meetings and video conferencing. Make sure that you appear accessible, so have open body language. This means that you should not cross your arms. And keep eye contact so that the other person knows that you are paying attention.

4.  Check your message before you hit send. Spell and grammar checkers are lifesavers, but they are not foolproof. Double check what you have written, to make sure that your words are communicating the intended message.

5.  Be brief, yet specific. For written and verbal communication, practice being brief yet specific enough, that you provide enough information for the other person to understand what you are trying to say. And if you are responding to an email, make sure that you read the entire email before crafting your response. With enough practice, you will learn not to ramble, or give way too much information.

6.  Write things down. Take notes while you are talking to another person or when you are in a meeting, and do not rely on your memory. Send a follow-up email to make sure that you understand what was being said during the conversation.

7.  Sometimes it’s better to pick up the phone. If you find that you have a lot to say, instead of sending an email, call the person instead. Email is great, but sometimes it is easier to communicate what you have to say verbally.

8.  Think before you speak. Always pause before you speak, not saying the first thing that comes to mind. Take a moment and pay close attention to what you say and how you say it. This one habit will allow you to avoid embarrassments.

9.  Treat everyone equally. Do not talk down to anyone, treating everyone with respect. Treat others as your equal.

10.  Maintain a positive attitude and smile. Even when you are speaking on the phone, smile because your positive attitude will shine through and the other person will know it. When you smile often and exude a positive attitude, people will respond positively to you

Manpower Group: Professional Development

Non-Violent Communication (NVC) is a ‘language of life’ that helps us transform old patterns of defensiveness and aggressiveness into compassion and empathy and to improve the quality of all of our relationships. Practicing NVC creates a foundation for learning about ourselves and our relationships in every moment, and helps us to remain focused on what is happening right here, right now. Although it is a model for communication, NVC helps us to realize just how important connection is in our lives. In fact, having the intention to connect with ourselves and others is one of the most important goals of practicing and living NVC. We live our lives from moment to moment, yet most of the time we are on autopilot, reacting out of habit rather than out of awareness and presence of mind. By creating a space for attention and respect in every moment, NVC helps create a pathway and a practice that is accessible and approachable.

The Model

The basic model for NVC is really quite straightforward and simple. It is a process that combines four components with two parts. While the four components are specific ideas and actions that fit into the form and the model of NVC, the two parts provide a solid foundation for NVC as well as for living non-violently. These brief definitions will be expounded further in the sections below:

Four Components

1. Observation: Observation without evaluation consists of noticing concrete things and actions around us. We learn to distinguish between judgment and what we sense in the present moment, and to simply observe what is there.
2. Feeling: When we notice things around us, we inevitably experience varying emotions and physical sensations in each particular moment. Here, distinguishing feelings from thoughts is an essential step.
3. Needs: All individuals have needs and values that sustain and enrich their lives. When those needs are met, we experience comfortable feelings, like happiness or peacefulness, and when they are not, we experience uncomfortable feelings, like frustration. Understanding that we, as well as those around us, have these needs is perhaps the most important step in learning to practice NVC and to live empathically.
4. Request: To make clear and present requests is crucial to NVC’s transformative mission. When we learn to request concrete actions that can be carried out in the present moment, we begin to find ways to cooperatively and creatively ensure that everyone’s needs are met.

Two Parts

1. Empathy: Receiving from the heart creates a means to connect with others and share experiences in a truly life enriching way. Empathy goes beyond compassion, allowing us to put ourselves into another’s shoes to sense the same feelings and understand the same needs; in essence, being open and available to what is alive in others. It also gives us the means to remain present to and aware of our own needs and the needs of others even in extreme situations that are often difficult to handle.
2. Honesty: Giving from the heart has its root in honesty. Honesty begins with truly understanding ourselves and our own needs, and being in tune with what is alive in us in the present moment. When we learn to give ourselves empathy, we can start to break down the barriers to communication that keep us from connecting with others.

From these four components and two parts, Marshall has created a model for life enriching communication that can be highly effective in solving conflict with our family members, with our friends, with our coworkers, and with ourselves. The basic outline of the model is the following:

When I see that______________
I feel ______________
because my need for ________________ is/is not met.
Would you be willing to __________________?

Practice – Feeling Peace

The Institute of Heartmath has done extensive research to develop a theory that when all of our organs are working together in simultaneous rhythm, our minds and our emotions tend to be more stable. More specifically, when the rhythm of our heart beat remains even, we are able to think more clearly and feel more present in every moment and in every action. This is called entrainment. You can use the below tips in any situation as a way to focus on the present moment:

1. Find a quiet, comfortable place to sit, where you will not be disturbed.
2. Begin by making yourself comfortable and begin to notice your breathing. You can do this with your eyes open or closed. Breathe normally and smoothly, without straining to take deep breaths, and notice how it feels to be present and aware of your body. If your mind begins to wander, gently bring your focus back to your breath.
3. Move your awareness over your body, and notice how you are feeling as you sit. Move through your body, from your toes, up through your legs, to your torso and through your head, and just take stock of how you feel. Focusing on your breath, notice what emotions are present right now.
4. Keeping your focus on your breath, allow yourself to become aware of your heart. As you do this, remember a specific event or a specific person that brings you a sense of appreciation. Allow that feeling of appreciation to wash over your being as you sit. If your mind begins to wander, gently refocus on your breath, and return to your feeling of appreciation.

The Centre for Nonviolent Communication

Note: Much of the information in this instruction guide draws extensively from the work of Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. as presented in his book: Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.

9 General Ways to Communicate Clearly and Effectively 

1.   Prepare in advance

Without preparation, you can’t be brief. Before any important meeting, take five minutes to review the agenda and other provided materials. Jot down notes for yourself. Organize your thoughts and earmark where you want to contribute. 

If you’ll be speaking, go through the extra steps of creating talking points and anticipating objections and questions. I like to have my clients prepare a few “frequently asked questions” to have in their back pocket, just in case there’s silence at the end of their presentation.  

2.   Provide a pre-read

If you have a lot of information to share, consider preparing a pre-read. This is a document that provides background information on a topic. It means you can give your audience needed context and then be briefer in your time together. A pre-read may be reports, slides, or detailed analytics. 

3.   Complete the sentence, “If you walk away from this conversation with one thing, I want it to be ______.” 

If you were forced to boil down your main idea to one sentence, what would it be? Use this as the subject line of your email or repeat the phrase verbatim when you speak. It’ll ensure you’re drawing your audience’s attention to the biggest takeaway you want them to remember. 

4.   Use the PREP framework

When you’re forced to speak impromptu, you can speak strongly and coherently using the PREP framework. Here’s how it works: Make a point succinctly, back it up with a reason, provide evidence, and end by reiterating your point. For example…

• Point: I believe we should take direction A
• Reason: We’ve received positive feedback about this approach 
• Evidence: For instance, our president said he supports it 
• Point: That’s why I believe direction A is best

5.   Use bridging and flagging statements to highlight and punctuate your points

Flagging and bridging refer to two PR tactics that you can take into the boardroom. Flagging is like sticking a flag in the ground or waving one in the air to say, “pay attention – this is important!” Whereas bridging helps you make a transition from one idea to another. Bridging is especially useful when you want to change the subject or steer the conversation in a different direction. 

Examples of flagging statements are: 

• It all boils down to…
• The heart of the matter is…
• I can’t underscore enough…

Examples of bridging statements are:

• I cannot speak to ____, but what I can say is… 
• While ____ is important, it’s also important to remember that… 
• Before we leave this subject, I’d like to add… 

6.   Know your audience 

Consider what concerns and objections are top of mind for the people you’re communicating with. What do they care about the most? What problems are they trying to solve? Most importantly, what’s in it for them if they listen to you? How will what you are sharing with them help save them time or make their job easier? Frame your message in terms of how it impacts your audience. 

7.   Ask questions

Oftentimes concise communication is about saying nothing at all. You need to listen first. Specifically, ask plenty of open-ended questions like: 

• What do you make of what I’ve shared?
• What do you think is best?
• How does this look to you?
• What would you add or change?
• How do you feel about it?
• What’s your impression of X?
• How does this fit into your plans?
• What part is not yet clear?
• Can you say more?
• What is an example?
• What support do you need? 

8.   Edit your emails

A good rule of thumb: emails shouldn’t be more than five lines. If your email is longer than that, condense it down or make it a phone call. 

Make sure your message is scannable. That means short paragraphs and sentences. Use bullet points and numbering to make the text easier to digest. 

9.   Eliminate fluff 

Hedging language, such as “I just wanted to check in” or “Could we maybe find a time to chat?” minimize the power of your words.

M. Wilding (Executive Coach – Sensitive Strivers)