“Relationship counselling usually refers to interventions that involve a couple attending multiple sessions with one counsellor, generally together but individual sessions for one or both partners may also be included.” (Hunter & Commerford, 2015, p. 12)
Generally speaking, the term ‘relationship’ can encompass a wide range of relationships, such as the relationship between romantic partners, the relationship between a parent and child, the relationship between relatives, and the relationship between friends. However, for the context of this article, the focus will be on romantic/intimate relationships. It is also important to note that reference to a ‘couple’ is inclusive of marital relationships, de facto relationships, and both heterosexual and same-sex relationships. As such, in our context, relationship counselling involves helping a couple in an intimate relationship to improve and enrich their lives together.
While relationship counselling involves many of the same counselling techniques as individual counselling, counselling a couple is very different to counselling an individual. The following extract aptly summarises some of the challenges of relationship counselling.
“Individual therapy is a smaller world—just you and the client. Your focus can be simple and direct. The process seems easier to control. There is one voice to listen to, one side to take…. Couple therapy can certainly have moments of intimacy like individual therapy but it’s often analogous to a two-ring circus, with each of the partners doing his or her own act for the therapist, or perhaps more accurately, like a courtroom, with each trying to persuade you that his reality, not the other guy’s, is right. And so they stack up facts, and as emotions rise, so does their stack, with both partners pulling up more examples (“What about that time last Christmas when you…”) or offstage collaborators (“My mother said the same thing just yesterday that you…”). Their hope, of course, is that you sift through all this information and angst and judge who is at fault, who is the innocent victim.” (Adapted from Taibbi, 2017, pp. 2-3)
Additionally, Payne (2010) outlines the following challenges of relationship counselling:
The need to manage three-way communications. One of the most fundamental differences between individual counselling and counselling a couple in session together is that there are three people in the counselling room – the counsellor and both members of the couple. Counsellors must adapt their approach to facilitate three-way communication. The counsellor must ensure that both members of the couple are engaged in the counselling conversation and they may even need to adapt their approach. For example, silent time that might be given for reflection in individual counselling is likely to be interrupted by one of the partners in relationship counselling.
The immediacy of emotions and conflict. The feelings and attitudes expressed during relationship counselling sessions are usually immediately reacted to by the other partner. This can result in the escalation of conflict as the partners speak about previously withheld or misunderstood thoughts, feelings, or events. It takes a skilled counsellor to help clients by maintaining a safe and therapeutic relationship and offering helpful strategies for the couple to use. Additionally, effective relationship counsellors need to continually observe the interactions and reactions of each individual in order to facilitate effective counselling.
Remaining neutral. This means that the counsellor must remain a neutral party and not be perceived as ‘taking sides’ with one or the other partner. Relationship counsellors must rise to the challenge of ensuring both parties feel heard and supported. They must be tactful to ensure fairness, equity, and safety to allow all parties an opportunity to engage in the counselling process.
Managing split agendas. Relationship counsellors must work with the goals and agendas of the couple as a whole as well as the individuals within the couple. Sometimes the partners will have very different goals for counselling and the relationship counsellor will need to successfully balance each partner’s goals/agenda.
Managing ethical issues. Counselling couples can raise some challenging ethical dilemmas due to the nature of a counsellor’s legal and ethical responsibilities. A relationship counsellor has a responsibility to the couple – there is a duty of care to protect them from harm, both individually and as a unit. However, this may not be as easy as it seems. For example, one partner may try to collude with the counsellor to keep a secret, one partner may attend counselling but not participate equally, or one partner may continually speak for their partner rather than allowing them to express themselves. Each of these represent specific ethical dilemmas that relationship counsellors must navigate.
When making the transition from working as an individual counsellor to working as a relationship counsellor, counsellors must be fully cognisant of these differences and the impact that such differences will have on their practice. Of course, it is also recommended that counsellors take the time to consider the complexities and challenges of relationship counselling and obtain specialist supervision as they embark on this career path.
The evolution of relationship counselling
Relationship counselling, as we know it today, is very different to its very first form. Historically, relationship counselling first emerged in the 1930’s in the form of ‘marriage counselling’ that was mainly carried out by clergy and medical professionals (e.g., gynaecologists) who would provide advice on adjusting to the practical aspects of married life (Gurman, 2010). However, just like the field of individual counselling, the field of relationship counselling has evolved since its inception. Relationship counselling has been influenced by the evolution of individual counselling theories, the development of family therapy approaches, and the evolution of specific theories for relationship counselling.
“Couple therapy has historically been a stepchild of sorts in the therapy field, in which individual and family therapy models have been adapted and applied to it. Traditionally couples relied upon their doctors or their ministers to help them with their relationships. The first professional marriage counseling centre wasn’t established until 1930, and for the next several decades couple work was incorporated into psychoanalytic models. In the late 1950s early family therapists began writing about marital therapy from a communications framework. Over the last 10 to 15 years therapists/researchers such as John Gottman (2007), the developer of the marriage laboratory, and Susan Johnson (2004), the co-developer of emotionally focused couple therapy, and Harville Hendrix (2007), the creator of imago therapy, have looked more closely at the unique dynamics of happy, as well as unhappy couples, applying what they’ve discovered to the shaping of the therapy process.” (Taibbi, 2017, pp. 4-5)
There are a wide range of theoretical approaches that can inform the work of relationship counsellors today. Many relationship counsellors practice from a particular theoretical/therapeutic approach, while other practitioners choose to adopt an eclectic or integrative approach given the complexity and diversity of issues presenting in relationship counselling (Gurman, 2010; Snyder & Balderrama-Durbin, 2012).
“There are two distinct categories of couple therapies. The first includes those originating early in the history of the broader field of family therapy. Although core attributes of these methods have endured over several generations of systems-oriented therapists, they have been revised and refined considerably. Examples of such time-honored approaches are structural, brief strategic, object relations, and Bowen’s approaches. Couple therapies also include a second wave of more recent approaches developed within the last few decades that have become very influential in practice, training, and research – for example, cognitive-behavioral and integrative behavioral; narrative and solution-focused; emotionally focused and Gottman’s; and integrative approaches.”
(Adapted from Gurman, Lebow & Snyder, 2015, p. 2)
As mentioned in the extract above, some major theoretical approaches to relationship counselling stem from theories developed for the field of family therapy. These theories usually emphasise a systematic view of the relationship and propose that changes in the relationship dynamics are necessary for the positive development of the relationship. While many relationship counsellors today do still apply theories and techniques from the field of family therapy in their work with couples, strict use of these family therapy approaches is more often used in work with families, and it is more common for relationship counsellors to apply the general family therapy concepts or ‘second wave’ approaches when working with just couples in relationship counselling.
When deciding upon an approach to use, it is generally best practice to consider the efficacy of each approach (i.e., how effective the approach is in improving couple relationships). Unfortunately, while there have been great strides taken in recent years in regard to efficacy research in individual counselling, there has not been as much research conducted on the efficacy of the various approaches to relationship counselling. The research that has been conducted does show that, overall, relationship counselling is generally effective. However, there is limited evidence suggesting any single approach to be more effective than the others (Hunter & Commerford, 2015). In fact, there are number of limitations in research conducted on relationship counselling due to the following factors:
- Many couples experiencing relationship distress do not seek professional assistance
- The effects of relationship counselling tend to deteriorate over time
- Relationship counselling is not effective for all couples
- Couples having the most relationship difficulties tend to benefit least from relationship counselling
- There are large number of widely applied approaches to relationship counselling that have not been rigorously evaluated for their effectiveness
- There is not a lot of ‘transportation’ of research studies to the ‘real world’ of counselling
- Research continues to largely involve married, middle-class, heterosexual white couples
- The majority of research has been done by a small number of researchers who are highly invested in the models of relationship counselling they are testing
- There is limited understanding of why or how different approaches to relationship counselling are effective (Hunter & Commerford, 2015)
Moreover, within the limited number of recent studies conducted on the efficacy of relationship counselling, the available research is mostly American or UK-based – there is a significant gap in research on Australian couples and families (Evans, Turner & Trotter, 2012). At this stage, evidence-based research in relationship counselling still has a long way to come. Therefore, regardless of which theoretical orientation you choose to take in your work as a relationship counsellor, it will be important to continually stay abreast of research in the field and seek out ongoing opportunities for professional development and education to help remain up to date with any best practice developments and ensure your continued effectiveness.
Editor’s Note: This is an excerpt from the unit Provide Relationship Counselling in AIPC’s Graduate Diploma of Relationship Counselling.
References:
- Evans, P., Turner, S. and Trotter, C. (2012). The Effectiveness of Family and Relationship Therapy: A Review of the Literature. Melbourne: PACFA. Retrieved from https://www.health.gov.au/internet/main/publishing.nsf/Content/phi-natural-therapies-submissions-containerpage/$file/PACFA%20Family%20Therapy%20lit%20Review.pdf
- Gurman, A. S., Lebow, J. L., & Snyder, D. K. (2015). Clinical handbook of couple therapy (5th ed.). New York, NY: The Guildford Press.
- Hunter, C., & Commerford, J. (2015). Relationship education and counselling: Recent research findings, CFCA Paper no. 33, pp. 1-24. Retrieved from https://aifs.gov.au/cfca/publications/relationship-education-and-counselling
- Payne, M. (2010). Couple counselling: A practical guide. London: Sage Publications.
- Snyder, D. K. & Balderrama-Durbin, C. (2012). Integrative approaches to couple therapy: Implications for clinical practice and research. Retrieved from https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/1744/fd7ca1e6e2d66f141196a313495e51fea358.pdf
- Taibbi, R. (2017). Doing couple therapy: Craft and creativity in work with intimate partner (2nd ed.). New York, NY: The Guilford Press.
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